By Jennifer Jill Schwirzer            

“Oh, God, why don’t You hear me? I pray to you, and my words bounce back to me!” I cried into the autumn sky.           

My toddler and baby were napping, and I had wandered out into the field to give God a piece of my mind. But from what I could see, He was ignoring me. Nor had He responded since the previous spring when my health problems began.           

“I wish it was something like cancer! Then people would understand why I am so down,” I said, “But instead it’s allergies. ‘What’s so bad about allergies?’ they say. Well, I’ll tell you what’s so bad about allergies. Allergies are destroying the one thing I have to offer—my singing voice!”           

A budding recording artist, I needed my voice to be in top shape for concerts and recordings. But more often than not these days, I would get up to sing and sound more like a donkey attempting to yodel than a recording artist.            

Depression hung over me like city smog. I was sure I was the only person in the history of the world to have such misfortune. Most people avoided me, but the few who tried to help said unhelpful things. Some examples:         

“You need this experience for your character.”          

I need this for my character? Don’t all the other singers in the world need as much character help as I do? Why doesn’t God pick on them?          

“God isn’t doing this, the devil is.”

Well then why doesn’t God stop him? Is God that vicious? Is He weak? Or just indifferent?

“I’ll pray for you.”          

Translated: “I don’t want to feel your pain, so I’ll avoid it with a religious cliché. Take two Bible verses and call me in the morning. Or, on second thought, don’t call me. Just take the two verses and be quiet.”           

What finally helped me was the book of Job. I saw that my suffering was a calling from God rather than a punishment. God said to Job, “I have a job for you. Lose everything and trust me still. I can’t find anyone else to do it, so I’m calling you.” Job gave a more powerful witness as a boil-covered blubberer than he did as Mr. Success. It was easy to serve God in Abercrombie & Rich, but sackcloth tested his motives. Yet he passed the test. Somewhere down on the cell level of his heart, he decided to be true to God, let come what may. Then it was plain that Job served God from an unpolluted spring of love. I could do the same, I decided. I could see my voice problems as a calling to validate the love of God from the middle of misfortune.           

Since then I’ve recorded six CDs and done hundreds of concerts all over the world. A footnote of my story is that I realized I had “catastrophized” my voice problems. Bad things happen to us, and they produce discouragement, but if we change our thoughts, the discouragement loses power.           

I learned to think differently about my problem. With good technique, deep breathing, and quarts of water, I could still sing. I would never be the singer I could have been, but then the voice isn’t everything (Bob Dylan proved that). Bing Crosby said, “You sing with your heart, not your voice.”                    

I decided to take him up on that, and I got my focus off my voice and onto the heart of what I was singing. And I’ve become a modestly successful singer/songwriter/concert artist/author who is known, not for my exceptional voice, but for the message of my music.           

As to the disappointment of a compromised voice, God has given me a consolation prize. You see, one of the little children that napped while I poured out my heart those many years ago is now 20 years old and beginning her own music ministry. Alison Brook’s voice is as clear, sweet and pure as the rushing stream for which she is named. God chose to give her what I wanted for myself—a problem-free voice. She will bypass me in success and artistic excellence, and that’s just fine by her ol’ ma.           

I am content with my voice’s brokenness because it reminds me that we all cope with some kind of crippling deficiency, some inner or outer thorn in the flesh that keeps life on earth less than pretty. After all, the broken Body and Heart of the cross is the source of all the blessings we enjoy. Can’t my broken parts serve a similar purpose? They are channels through which grace flows. 

Jennifer Jill Schwirzer is a singer/songwriter and author who lives in Philadelphia with her husband and two college-aged daughters. She is the founder of Michael Ministries, which can be found at www.michaelministries.org.